Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/rhod rhod_20140426-1300a.mp3

Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. This week, I'm in my kitchen in London with Barry Castagnola.

You're listening to Rhod's Coffee Morning on BBC Radio Wales, we are, at the moment. ... Uh, um, Barry came up, well, he ... uh, very, uh, some bold words. I'm gonna quote you now. Barry Castagnola, my co-host for today, Barry Castagnola, said, "I think I've got a feature here." / I did say that, yeah. / Over ... over to you, Barry. / Well, there's a story here. Um, it's about, uh, an awl, __ think it might be going on the attack / I've heard about this. / Yeah? You've heard about this? Uh, basically, uh, Stephany D__ went on holiday for a couple of ... that's not the name of the awl. / Right. / That's the name of the owner. She went to Florida on holiday for a couple of weeks ... / Can I point out, though, / Yeah, / if you, just, before you go on about this awl, / Right, OK, yeah. / There's something I read and it says "Don't approach it". / No, definitely don't approach it. These are really hungry. / A: It's really hungry, B: it's massive. / It's got a three-foot-five-inch wingspan. / That's what I read. / Yeah. / Same awl then? / Yeah definitly ... / definitely the same awl / It's probably the same awl / Three-foot-five. / and, uh, yeah, the police __ tells the public not to approach, like it's a ... like it's a killer awl on a loose or something. ... And ... but it's, um, yeah, it's escaped, it might be hungry, and, uh ... / Where has he escaped from? 'Cause he might ... I've always thought awls, sort of, lived outdoors in the wild. / Yeah. This is, like, a pet awl, living in a cage. It must be a big cage, to be fair. / Why is he, like, more dangerous than a normal awl? / 'cause it's so hungry because it is a pet awls, so it's not used to just being out there swooping on mice and do, you know, looking __ back of his head / that kind of stuff / He's used to creeping on up to / behind him? / Nuh, it's not used to that at all. / would you ... I would do that if I was an awl, I would, definitely, like ... / Backwards? / yeah / walk backwards and creep / walking forward 'cause / the other way so they think / you are thinking / Oh yeah, that's a good point. Would you walk ... oh no, no, I was thinking / walk backwards with your head facing the wrong way ... be looking around every now and again / spin __ head around, check with / again / put your head back the other way, facing away / getting nearer / hasn't seen me / thing / I don't know a lot about awls, but I'm, sort of, thinking, most of the time, they don't ... they are not walking along on mice. / Well ... / either forwards or backwards / generally / Unluckily for you, I do know a lot about awls, so ... / they do do it? / I win. / All right. / they do do that, yeah. / out there hunt. / they just creep up, facing the other way? / They ... yeah. / they walk backwards / the guy who was looking after / Stephen M__ / oh, this is / guy who was looking after the pet awl / somebody's away? / I told you that / she's gone to Florida for a couple of / somebody's awl ... if you ... like, the other day I was gonna go to Paris / yeah / didn't go in the end, / I said to you "Would you come and look after the dog / did / stay my house and look after / dog for the weekend / big ask for you to stepped up / look after ... oh, by the way, / got an awl / I would say, "No chance, mate, / No chance. / I'm not qualified to deal with awls. / No. / Uh ... and also ... / I think, I think ... I think he made a mistake there / what / name / Stephen / has. Listen to this / "I think I'm in trouble for losing him." / I mean, if you / come back ... come back from Paris and / when / oh, sorry, uh, Rose is gone. / I left the door open / other thing / He's, um, / he left a latch / left a latch, you know, left a latch open, and the awl escaped. He said / he said / awls are clever, mate / Yeah, of course, / more wise than clever / that's the same thing, innit? / He said "He's too clever, that awl. ... / escaped during the night. There was nothing I could do. To be honest, I think / he's very flippant for someone who / lost someone's pet / He is being very very very flippant. / he said / casual about this / first time / look after / pet / I think it's probably gonna be the last. / definitely is gonna go __ when / read this / Stephany would go mad / told her / I hope so. I / read in the paper / our thirteen listeners / wait to find out / your awl's gone missing because / flippant friend. / Oh, he's very flippant / extremely flippant / Stephen, when / take more seriously, mate. You've lost a good friend's awl. / so / pictures here, basically / Oh yeah. Back to / your feature idea. / One could be "Have you ever been attacked by a hungry awl?" / Look, I don't really ... don't wanna go down that route, mate. / OK / have you ever looked after / pet / knows / or something / we don't wanna go that route. But, I am quite interested to know whether awls creep up / mouse / facing backwards / OK. / That's feature 1. / Feature 1, that's yes or no answer / Yes. Yes or no feature: Could an awl creep __ __ mouse / backwards / is that part of their hunting stragety, let's call it. / Here you go. / OK. / down / hunting strategy backwards / have you ever had / look after someone's pet? / further / that one / feature, yeah. / for short / I put ... feature 1: Hunting Strategy/awl backwards. / OK. / Feature 2: Have you ever had a pet baby-sitting disaster? See what __ __ on those.

"My wife's parents ... / my wife's parents were pet-sitting our fish during a heatwave. ..." / Oh dear. / Oh dear ... Oh, dear. / Oh no / all the words you need to make / you know the story, don't you? / p__ing a film / tag-along or whatever / call it / explain / some fish in __ heatwave ..." / Exactly. / That's a great film, innit? / Yeah. / pet fish / heatwave / hang on / declare / in a socond / fish in my throat in a second / I think we've got / we need to know here. I think we all know how the story ends. / Does the water evapolate? Was it that hot? / Well, it's gonna be / the water got very hot / huh / probably / bowl / of course / so, they put the bowl ... my wife's parents were pet-sitting our fish during the heatwave. The water got very hot. They put the bowl in the fridge. ..." / Rookie mistake. / Schoolboy, innit? ... "This didn't really work, and they were going out. So, to cool the fish down quicker, they put the bowl in the freezer ..." / Hmm ... / Jason and Lauren, your parents were pet-sitting your fish, and they put the bowl with a fish in it in the freezer / I thought ... / I've done that / we've all done / bottle of wine / frequently what / bottle of wine / in there / other foods are available / frozen solid. / Yeah. / Well, / these fish. / Tell me. / They forgot they had put it in the freezer, and they went out. / ... And? / don't tell me it froze. / I'm afraid ... / __ __? / I'm afraid we, uh / this casually, because they fogot. The fish are frozen solid. / Uh. / They did save them / say good-bye to, though. ... Don't do it, anyone. Don't put fish in the freezer. Fishfingers, uh, yes / I ... / not fish. That's the rule / I've a friend / pet piranah / Who has a pet piranah, Barry? / J__ A__. / Huh. / That's who. / that / he did, and then ... then / wow wow wow wow, / Huh? / What kind of __ feed / extreme one / circle of horrors / disappointed if they gave you a bag with a piranah / set / like / he went / smashing his head against the plastic bag / it was horrific / feed it / sometimes / one second, Barry. This is a problem / live radio in your kitchen. Sometimes / helicopter above / sit it out / let's just sit it out. ... It was a plane, actually / yeah / as you were / Right. / remind me what we were talking about again. / A piranah / I can't believe / minute / I definitely wanna call him on it. / Yeah, OK. He had a pet piranah. It died. / of course it died. What / feeding it? / live fish as well as / horrible / ham? / ham, as well. Yeah / Do piranahs eat ham? / yeah / downstairs / I've never seen / in James Bond film / Mr. Bond / very sticky end" and then ... and then / whatever it is / packet of four / slices of ham / just to demonstrate how nasty these things are. Watch this: / chucks / ten / waifer-thin stuff, yeah. And, um ... / supposed to feed a piranah / other fish as well. You know / hang on a minute. Feature 3 / he came / piranah ham / this is exactly what he said, he came down, really distressed, / my piranah / dead / stuffed / and then .. and then he put his piranah in the freezer that just / sat there / two years / in / stuff / wooden plaque or something, and, um ... / like __ __, but piranah / yeah / "Don't worry, be happy ..." / someone / tried to revive it / did you get / no. / Oh, / my face off.

Feature #1: Hunting strategy/awl-backwards. ... 2: / pet-babysitting disasters / much more Radio Wales / piranah ham / 4: / animal / mouth to mouth / second / do piranahs eat ham? / you wouldn't think / be clear what hunting strategy/awl / meant / let's hear it. / correspondence. Let me just ... uh ... filter out the ... uh ... all the piranah-ham ones we've got ... / OK. This is, uh, on Feature 1 / backwards / this is from, uh, Scholar Jack and s__ monk / OK. / In __switch / I presume / came in / uh / I don't know / woods / still in the woods / here we go / "I'm not 100% sure, but I would imagine an awl could approach its pray from behind. / good work. There we are / Well, thank you very much for that. / So, uh / put / in / not 100%, so, it's / I think / very sensible to, uh, to state / up-front / to Barry" Happy birthday, Barry / Thank you very much. / Uh ... I'm in the garden cleaning my space hopper. I'm scrubbing it / covered for the winter / I do love this time of year / time / garden / winter dust / one of the first jobs, innit, / ok / sometimes you / you might, too / I can't / great show / only just started / OK. Fair enough. / Hi, Rhod and Barry / Hello. / this is on, uh ... this is on Feature 2: pet-babysitting disasters. / Right. / Hi, Rhod and Barry / Hello / about ten years ago, we looked after my aunti's cat when she went on holiday. It was usually very placid / first night at our house, it hid under my bed, and suddenly became a psycho cat. It wouldn't come out, and / like a banshee. My dad / gardening gloves on / come out and calm it down." Now this is the sentence I like / scanned ahead quickly / Huh huh / I love the end of this email / "I never trusted that cat. / no matter how calm it looked after that / I bet / even if it looked calm / from / pet babysitting ... not a disaster / much worse ones here / yeah. that's not a disaster / I build / slowly / bad either. But / I was once / look / left / spare key / at the last minute / decided / take the dog with them / failed to notify me. I spent four hours / looking for / sad times / just happy / lose / I imagine / of course / tampered with a little bit of anger / a little bit of anger / jot that down / actually. Feature 5: Occasions when you've been relieved yet tampered with a bit of anger / jot that down.

hunting strategy / feature / disasters / piranah ham. Feature 4: Which animal would you / mouth-to-mouth / incidentally / Barry / prabobly / don't be daft / why not / hang on a minute / hang on a minute / Rhod / comes in / gasping / moment / Rhod's Lunch Club, here on / live / anyone / always / house party feel / Jack from Production / gone off to answer the door / to see who it is / intercom thing / Ah, yes. OK. He's, uh, sending somebody away / we are / away / that's / Lunch Club / political thing / somebody / coming up / european Election / what / unfortunately / nothing in manifesto about that / manifesto about that / #5 / relieved yet tampered with a little bit of anger / maybe / awl / opened up / attacked by bird / go down / people might get injured. People / somebody / like / watch / I, uh ... I'd say / know / I am ... my grandad / me a seagull / I think / story on this radio show / but tell / again / lovely story / 50p / flying in the air / did you have / back / Dear Rhod / from / Tom / this is on Feature 3: Piranah ham / Oh, here we go. / meats and fish/shrimp / local market / piranah diet / there / all of them should be frozen / a lot of people / jotting this down / this / friend / pet piranah / wisely or unwisely / he had a pet piranah / inferring / unwisely. / I think / you can't stroke / hold him / just / decoration, really / quite relaxing / savaging other fish / I wouldn't think / piranah / relaxing / tank breaks / it's not plastic bag goes / comes out / it's like having a ... I don't know / mind / crocodile as a pet / then / crocodile pets / at the moment / well, a lot of people / allowed / crocodiles as pets / that's wrong on every level. / just one other thing / weird pets and stuff / if anyone / China in the next / don't eat panda / law / paper / anyone / jailed for ten years / for eating a panda / question / why / people / willy-nilly / pandas before / pandas / like / picture / paper yesterday, of / panda ... what should I call them / not / name / panda keeper / keeps / zookeeper in charge of pandas / a lot of pressure / there's a picture of him / in an enclosure / keeper, dressed as a panda in a really bad, sort of, I don't know / looked like a black-and-white b__ / looked like a black and white / rainbow / dressed / fun / but then / dresses as a panda not to upset the pandas. So, the panda thinks / ok / another panda in the closure / I thought / that's fair enough. But / panda / dressed as a panda / carrying / was also black-and-white, painted / too far, innit? / I thought / think / ball is a panda, is it? / would a panda think / drink / ball / clearly a ball / yeah / more / will / lunch / anyone can drop in / bother / answer, Jack / political party. ... So, I thought / say / ok, you've got another bit / water / seems odd to me / very odd / feature 6 / strange animals / plenty of texts and emails coming in / a lot of features / go / feature 1: hunting strategy / pet babysitting disasters / horse race / in the lead / piranah ham / feature / that email about piranah-ham / oh yeah / frozen, I think / feature 6 / just launched / taken off / question / "Dear Rhod," this is from Tom / bit / a piranah know-it-all / a piranah expert / piranah / expert / piranahfile__ / even / of course / yeah ... yeah / meats and fish/shrimp found at your local market / best / piranah diet / market / supermarket / farmer's market / does sound / piranah / meats and fish/best piranah diet / local / best / frozen first before feeding / to kill most bacteria and organizms / possibly cause disease to our toothy friend piranah / know / tom / come back to / this is / piranahs / any other place other than the James Bond film / never noticed / villan / Bond's film / never noticed / sort of / piranah / make sure / no bacteria / my piranah / over to the freezer / get / sealed bag / kill off the bacteria / Bond film / south / my friend / piranah / he didn't, uh, he didn't / sometimes even live fish / if / ham and stuff / how / and / maybe / Maybe ... / it was from the bacteria / I thought piranah / hear / somebody / know / about two seconds / that's what / distasteful conversation / I realize, but that's what piranahs do / film / called / very / haven't / over and over again / p__ ham / didn't bother / the same old / ham-feeding frenzy / pedicure / that's the worst mistake you can make / that is the schoolboy error / open up one of those / going / get / nibble / don't use piranah / almost anything else / washing-up bowl, would you? / Tom / piranahfile__ / he says / ham / huh huh / other fatty / sparingly to a piranah / why / treat / that's it, isn't it? / ever / deserve / hard to tell / sparing / take it for a walk afterwards / fine / excercise the piranah after / being amusing / OK / you know / why not? / yeah / just / why not after listening / of the week / let me just ... let me just recap / hunting / 2: pet-babysitting disasters. 3: piranah ham / ok / after listening / week / fifth / have you ever been relieved / yet / tampered / fifth / email / with realization / listen to the show / long past / given / self-referencial / look / by the way / the production team / piranah quize / good idea, production team, / piranah / I'll do it / you said / googling awls / sneaky / never try / second guess / never / I'm very disappointed / some / David didn't enjoy / David / he said he / pet-sitting disaster / turtles / does that count? / Absolutely / almost too literal / pet / more in the sense of offering / past__ral care / somebody's / being away / pet / although, feature 7 / I think / there should be / more like 2-A / yes / pet-sitting disasters / yeat / lots in / this is a sad one / genuine sad one / if you don't / genuine sad story / turn your ears away / put / turn / put / stick / in your ears / our dog / this is very sad / should / out / our dog / golden / named / husband / kiss of life / sadly / could not save him / John / love / show / very sad / that / on the subject / mouth to mouth / would you give / yeah / pet-sitting my cousin's guinea pig / don't know / or the owner / Charles / until / driving back to my cousin / guinea pig / charles just fell over / died / car / very sad / light-hearted ... you know / give / mouth-to-mouth / guinea pig / back to / me and my dad tried to wake him up / at that stage / no one was willing / mouth-to-mouth / it was awful / Sweden / given / absolutely / in a / hi / talking about pet disasters / I'm gonna start reading ahead / because / sad / reading about them in a jovial manner / lump / throat / means / who / we mentioned before / you called / another / anotehr / all / relieved with a bit of anger / showed / yeah / feature / have you ever felt relieved yet tampered / a little bit of anger / hi / talking / disaster / a friend of ours / kind / exactly / had an outside hatch with a rabbit / two / that's important / one rabbit, two guinea pigs / same hatch / I think so / while / I rang my friend / was ok / everything was fine / rabbit and three guinea pigs were all doing well / don't / two guinea pigs / happened here / how long / period / sounds to me like / it sounds to you like / two guinea pigs made love / probably / while / like / I doubt it / mean / couple of days / guinea pigs / I don't think so / ok / feature 8 / how long / feature 8 / anyway you are wrong. / that's not what / at all. So, they / rabbit / to be fair / let me / everything / into the hatch / friend / been feeding it. / let me / right / I did / played / merry dance If you / why / whole / BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.

If you enjoyed that one, why don't you listen to the whole show? Rhod Gilbert / Saturday / BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.